Two men were walking home after a Halloween party and decided to take a shortcut through the cemetery just for laughs. Right in the middle of the cemetery, they were startled by a tap-tap-tapping noise coming from the misty shadows.
Trembling with fear, they found an old woman with a hammer and chisel, chipping away at one of the headstones. "Holy cow, Madam" one of them said after catching his breath, "You scared us half to death -- we thought you were a ghost! What are you doing working here so late at night?" "Those fools!" the old woman grumbled. "They misspelled my name."
Monday, October 30, 2006
Tuesday, October 24, 2006
"WATCH WHAT YOU SAY"
A man staggered into a hospital with a concussion, multiple bruises, two black eyes, and a five-iron wrapped tightly around his throat.
Naturally, the doctor asked him, "What happened to you?""Well, I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole, we both sliced our balls into a cow pasture. We went to look for them and while I was looking around, I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end.""I walked over, lifted its tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball with my wife's monogram on it stuck right in the middle of the cow's butt.""Still holding the cow's tail up, I yelled to my wife, 'Hey, this looks like yours!'""I don't remember much after that..."
Naturally, the doctor asked him, "What happened to you?""Well, I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole, we both sliced our balls into a cow pasture. We went to look for them and while I was looking around, I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end.""I walked over, lifted its tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball with my wife's monogram on it stuck right in the middle of the cow's butt.""Still holding the cow's tail up, I yelled to my wife, 'Hey, this looks like yours!'""I don't remember much after that..."
Monday, October 16, 2006
Acts of Love
When we allow ourselves to understand the impact our actions have not only on ourselves but the planet we live on, we realize the necessity to take loving action. We each have the power to correct conditions within as well as to affect the world we live in.
There are so many ways to apply love in our everyday lives. Yet, if we do not take care of ourselves, it is virtually impossible to feel and share love with the world around us. As an act of self-love, we can begin to educate ourselves and learn to take care of our physical bodies as well as keep our thoughts and feelings positive and loving. Nurturing ourselves also teaches us how to nurture life around us.
Practice constant acts of kindness and you bring kindness upon this planet. Forgiveness is the easiest and most powerful act of kindness you can make. Both for yourself and for others, this activity promotes unity, harmony and oneness that transmutes the old into the new.
This magnificent planet is filled with opportunities to experience love, tolerance, peace and joy. When we, as individuals, realize our potential to love unconditionally, we transform ourselves and the planet at the same time. Such is the power we wield every moment of every day. The choice is ours to create a world of joy and happiness, love and goodwill.
Every moment of every day is a new beginning. This can be a powerful mantra or affirmation. The meaning held in these words opens us to a new way of living and experiencing life. Each moment holds a new beginning of possibility and an opportunity to create without limitation. We can let go of what we perceive or believe is before us and allow our personal potential to shine through. Start each day as a new journey of self discovery. Let go of yesterday and tomorrow and embrace the power of now. Remind yourself daily of the newness of life in the moment.
There are so many ways to apply love in our everyday lives. Yet, if we do not take care of ourselves, it is virtually impossible to feel and share love with the world around us. As an act of self-love, we can begin to educate ourselves and learn to take care of our physical bodies as well as keep our thoughts and feelings positive and loving. Nurturing ourselves also teaches us how to nurture life around us.
Practice constant acts of kindness and you bring kindness upon this planet. Forgiveness is the easiest and most powerful act of kindness you can make. Both for yourself and for others, this activity promotes unity, harmony and oneness that transmutes the old into the new.
This magnificent planet is filled with opportunities to experience love, tolerance, peace and joy. When we, as individuals, realize our potential to love unconditionally, we transform ourselves and the planet at the same time. Such is the power we wield every moment of every day. The choice is ours to create a world of joy and happiness, love and goodwill.
Every moment of every day is a new beginning. This can be a powerful mantra or affirmation. The meaning held in these words opens us to a new way of living and experiencing life. Each moment holds a new beginning of possibility and an opportunity to create without limitation. We can let go of what we perceive or believe is before us and allow our personal potential to shine through. Start each day as a new journey of self discovery. Let go of yesterday and tomorrow and embrace the power of now. Remind yourself daily of the newness of life in the moment.
Wednesday, October 11, 2006
Mixing Oil and Water
Oil and water do not mix - the mantra is familiar to every schoolchild.
Now teachers may want to rewrite their lessons. If you first remove any gas that is dissolved in the water, it will mix spontaneously and even stay that way indefinitely, according to chemist Ric Pashley ix. newscientist.com
However, I doubted that theory even then because I saw first hand how they did mix. I will attemp to explain why I believed that they could mix.
First, I have to give you some background on some history of my grandparents (from both sides). I will begin with my mother's parents.
They were of German and Dutch heritage and were very hard working. They were somewhat reserved but we never doubted their love and dedication to family. However, when we visited their home, at mealtime, everyone ate at the table and it was very quiet. No loud laughter, elbows on the table (you get the picture). Their home was very organized. There were very few idle moments. Papa was a rancher by trade and a very prosperous one. They owned a great deal of land, had cattle, sheep, etc They were also very thrifty. Even though the children were expected to do their share of the work, they also lived a pretty privileged life for those times. Piano lessons, nice clothes, etc Granny D was one of those people you never seemed to see working but her house was always clean, food was always cooked and she always had large gardens and put up food for the winter. When we made the beds in the morning, they were not touched until you got into them at night. If you have never made a feather bed, you are truly deprived. It takes swatting them with a broom to make them nice and smooth. While this might sound like a "stiff" environment, it really wasn't. We grandkids loved to go there in the summer.
Now for the other side of the family. These grandparents were of Irish, English and native American heritage. My dad's parents were totally the opposite. They were farmers and hard workers but never had much but what they did have they would give to others less blessed. An overnight stay at Granny M's house could very well include the kids playing music at night and Granny getting up in her long flannel gown with braids hanging loose and doing the polka with us. As she was a rather large woman, this was truly a sight to behold. Granny M's house was one step ahead of the health department. When there were two or three M's together, they made more noise than 50 of the D's. Mealtime was choatic. Everybody talking at once, don't ask for someone to pass food if you could reach it, (you get this picture also?) Granny M had a reputation as the place on Hwy 99 for transients to stop to get a meal. She didn't invite them in but she did sit them on the porch and fed anyone who came to her door. If you visit with people who relocated to CA in the 50's, at least 50% or them will tell you that they stayed with the M's (free of course) until they found a job.
Now that you have a short synopsis of the background, you see why I grew up thinking oil and water could mix. My mother was a D and my father a M.
One interesting tidbit is that while I enjoyed going to the M's, I chose to go to the D's more often. My older sibling chose the M's. I guess that would give a clue to a shrink on our personalities huh?
Now teachers may want to rewrite their lessons. If you first remove any gas that is dissolved in the water, it will mix spontaneously and even stay that way indefinitely, according to chemist Ric Pashley ix. newscientist.com
However, I doubted that theory even then because I saw first hand how they did mix. I will attemp to explain why I believed that they could mix.
First, I have to give you some background on some history of my grandparents (from both sides). I will begin with my mother's parents.
They were of German and Dutch heritage and were very hard working. They were somewhat reserved but we never doubted their love and dedication to family. However, when we visited their home, at mealtime, everyone ate at the table and it was very quiet. No loud laughter, elbows on the table (you get the picture). Their home was very organized. There were very few idle moments. Papa was a rancher by trade and a very prosperous one. They owned a great deal of land, had cattle, sheep, etc They were also very thrifty. Even though the children were expected to do their share of the work, they also lived a pretty privileged life for those times. Piano lessons, nice clothes, etc Granny D was one of those people you never seemed to see working but her house was always clean, food was always cooked and she always had large gardens and put up food for the winter. When we made the beds in the morning, they were not touched until you got into them at night. If you have never made a feather bed, you are truly deprived. It takes swatting them with a broom to make them nice and smooth. While this might sound like a "stiff" environment, it really wasn't. We grandkids loved to go there in the summer.
Now for the other side of the family. These grandparents were of Irish, English and native American heritage. My dad's parents were totally the opposite. They were farmers and hard workers but never had much but what they did have they would give to others less blessed. An overnight stay at Granny M's house could very well include the kids playing music at night and Granny getting up in her long flannel gown with braids hanging loose and doing the polka with us. As she was a rather large woman, this was truly a sight to behold. Granny M's house was one step ahead of the health department. When there were two or three M's together, they made more noise than 50 of the D's. Mealtime was choatic. Everybody talking at once, don't ask for someone to pass food if you could reach it, (you get this picture also?) Granny M had a reputation as the place on Hwy 99 for transients to stop to get a meal. She didn't invite them in but she did sit them on the porch and fed anyone who came to her door. If you visit with people who relocated to CA in the 50's, at least 50% or them will tell you that they stayed with the M's (free of course) until they found a job.
Now that you have a short synopsis of the background, you see why I grew up thinking oil and water could mix. My mother was a D and my father a M.
One interesting tidbit is that while I enjoyed going to the M's, I chose to go to the D's more often. My older sibling chose the M's. I guess that would give a clue to a shrink on our personalities huh?
Thursday, October 05, 2006
Does this remind you of Grandpa J?
The duck and the lawyer
A big city lawyer went duck hunting in rural
Tennessee. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell
into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence. As
the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer
drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing
The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell
in this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it."
The old farmer replied, "This is my property, and you
A big city lawyer went duck hunting in rural
Tennessee. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell
into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence. As
the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer
drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing
The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell
in this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it."
The old farmer replied, "This is my property, and you
are not coming over here."
The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best
trial attorneys in the United States and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything
you own.
The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you
don't know how we settle disputes in Tennessee. We
settle small disagreements like this with the "Three
Kick Rule."The lawyer asked, "What is the Three Kick Rule?"
The Farmer replied, "Well, because the dispute occurs
on my land, first I kick you three times and then you
kick me three times and so on back and forth until
someone gives up."
The attorney quickly thought about the proposed
contest and decided that he could easily take the old
codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.
The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor
and walked up to the attorney. His first kick planted
the toe of his heavy steel toed work boot into the
lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees. His
second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer's last meal
gushing from his mouth.
The lawyer was on all fours when the farmer's third
kick to his rear end sent him face-first into a fresh
cow pie . The lawyer summoned every bit of his will
and managed to get to his feet.. Wiping his face with
the arm of his jacket, he said, "Okay, you old fart.
Now it's my turn."
[I love this part....]
The old farmer smiled and said, "Naw, I give up. You
can have the duck.
This is so like someone we all know and loved don't you think?
The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best
trial attorneys in the United States and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything
you own.
The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you
don't know how we settle disputes in Tennessee. We
settle small disagreements like this with the "Three
Kick Rule."The lawyer asked, "What is the Three Kick Rule?"
The Farmer replied, "Well, because the dispute occurs
on my land, first I kick you three times and then you
kick me three times and so on back and forth until
someone gives up."
The attorney quickly thought about the proposed
contest and decided that he could easily take the old
codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.
The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor
and walked up to the attorney. His first kick planted
the toe of his heavy steel toed work boot into the
lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees. His
second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer's last meal
gushing from his mouth.
The lawyer was on all fours when the farmer's third
kick to his rear end sent him face-first into a fresh
cow pie . The lawyer summoned every bit of his will
and managed to get to his feet.. Wiping his face with
the arm of his jacket, he said, "Okay, you old fart.
Now it's my turn."
[I love this part....]
The old farmer smiled and said, "Naw, I give up. You
can have the duck.
This is so like someone we all know and loved don't you think?
Monday, October 02, 2006
Things are not always as they appear
One day a small lizard was walking through the forest. He smelled pot and looked up to find a koala bear sitting in a tree.The little lizard looked up and said, "Hey koala bear, what are you doing up there?"The bear replied, "I'm getting high, come on up." So the lizard joined the bear in the tree.They continued to smoke joint after joint until finally the little lizard said, "My mouth is dry like cotton."The koala bear agreed and told the lizard to go down to the river and get a drink and in the meantime he would roll another joint.
The little lizard attempted to lean over to drink water from the river and was so stoned, he fell right in and started splashing around.A crocodile saw this and swam over to help the lizard to shore. He said, "Lizard what is wrong with you?" The lizard replied, "I've been getting stoned with the koala bear. I needed water and fell in the river."The crocodile said, "I don't believe this. Take me to the tree you were in."
So they walked through the forest and they come to the tree where the koala bear was sitting. The crocodile looked up and said, "Hey koala bear, what are you doing up there?"
The koala bear looked down and said, "Holy crap dude, how much water did you drink?"
The little lizard attempted to lean over to drink water from the river and was so stoned, he fell right in and started splashing around.A crocodile saw this and swam over to help the lizard to shore. He said, "Lizard what is wrong with you?" The lizard replied, "I've been getting stoned with the koala bear. I needed water and fell in the river."The crocodile said, "I don't believe this. Take me to the tree you were in."
So they walked through the forest and they come to the tree where the koala bear was sitting. The crocodile looked up and said, "Hey koala bear, what are you doing up there?"
The koala bear looked down and said, "Holy crap dude, how much water did you drink?"
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